Disparate Liberal Debutante

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Myyyy love life.

I was a promisquous girl in highschool. My friends like to tease me that I’ve slept with, made out with, or fooled around with pretty much everyone we know. And I’ve been in love 2 or 3 times. Now, I’m fairly convinced that I’ll never fall in love again, and if I do I won’t be totally happy with it. That’s a relatively bold statement to make, but I can tell you why I’ve said it. I mostly hold the media at fault. I watch a lot of movies, and a little less tv, but I still see my fair share. I also listen to a ton of music. Before getting my new laptop I had a music collection to end all music collections. It was fantastic. (Now I’m running off just over 600 songs and getting bored quickly…) But watching these movies and shows and listening to that music has created this intense idea in my mind about love.

People on movies fall in love, and it always ends beautifully for them. Sort of like when the raports didn’t eat Dr. Grant in Jurassic park when he was standing there holding their eggs. Uh, hello, they’re fucking dinosaurs! They totally would have eaten him. Anyway, people always end up so happy at the end of movies – just as I’m sure Dr. Grant was happy he was not eaten. And during the movie, their love is so cute. Infact it’s so cute that I walk away thinking “oh man, I wish *I* could have a boyfriend like Owen Wilson.” It’s the same situation with tv shows. People break up, then get back together, then break up again, then get back together again. Then, when they do *actually* break up (to boost the ratings…lol) they always find a partener that is 800xs better, and they stay best friends with the one they broke up with before. Why can’t all my ex-boyfriends be like Ross from friends? He’s so funny! And cute! And was never like…overly mean to Rachel even when they weren’t dating…or married.

Music is a bit different in that it puts a new spin on love and makes it seem really fun and careless. Why the hell have none of my relationships been careless then?? Like, I want to make banana pancakes with Jack Johnson! Why can’t I?! For that matter, it would be so cute to have a boyfriend who just talked as magically as Jack Johnson does all the time.

Now, one other thing that is deteriorating my likelihood of being in love again, is the fact that the boys I like are now becoming the new ‘jock’ or ‘rich’ guy. I love geeks. And now every other girl on the planet loves geeks too. So now all the geeky guys are getting girls that before were waaaay out of their league. And here I am, no comparison to those girls having to sit and watch all the geeky boys being taken by the beautiful things and overlooking me. Now some will say “but geeky guys like smart girls” however when you look at me, you don’t see a smart girl. You see a self absorbed ditz that shops too much, and wears too much makeup.

These new realizations are finally making a lot of my past (and current) relationships make sense. The best relationship I ever had…was with the punk. Not because he’s … you know, an overly great boyfriend (sorry doll…) but because we faught, ALL the time. We faught about politics, about love, about school, about looks….EVERYTHING. We faught. And it was just *so* real. Nothing we said to each other was a huge fabrication (well, after…a talk about how much I lie about everything…heh.) And now that we’ve broken up, really nothing has changed. We fight, a little bit less…but we still have an extremely ‘real’ relationship with each other that isn’t affected by the mass media and all that bs. And really, he was the only guy that could ever keep up with me…(intellectually and emotionally…) I know there were a lot of tough times in that realationship, but really I’m not sorry for any of it, because we know each other so fucking well because of all the stupid ordeals we went through. (And, I think a relationship is no good when it exists with simply 4 hours online everyday for 8 months with the exception for about 5 days in a Canadian hotel at peak winter time.)

Another guy that I was with was AMAZING. We had so much fucking fun because we were both so goofy. But he was very much stuck in the frame of mind that he had to be totally happy all the time and that there could never be an ounce of boredom, quietness, or disagreement. So there was never any hope for us, because …well we’re not a tv show, our love wasn’t perfect. (But he was deadly gorgeous.)

My current boyfriend and I are facing somewhat of a new problem, the ‘harry-met-sally’ complex. That me and my male best friend (the punk) have to have some sort of secret undying love for each other that is just going to explode one day. …It took me quite some time to convince the boyfriend differently. Apparently there is no such thing as a strictly platonic relationship between opposite sex friends anymore, there always has to be sexual tension…I don’t understand. But, even Will and Grace had sex, and Will is gay! And Jack and Karen always talk about bumping their naughties, and Jack is gay too. (Now, granted, the new bf had some validity in his concern.) Another hard part for the current boyfriend is that he can try to dig deep into my mind, but its getting progressively harder for guys to get in. But on the other hand, we talked about all the media constructed love bs, and he agrees with me.

Love these days is fake, and I can’t be in fake love. So I just won’t fall in love again. And if I do, I’ll be in love, but I won’t be totally happy with it, because if it’s real, like mine and The Punks, then I’ll want it to be more perfect, but if its perfect I’ll know its fake….see the problem? I don’t understand this need for things to be perfect, or for love to be flawless. …The flaws give it character. Plus, I think there is a limit to the amount of times a girl can fall in love then get trampled on. *hrmm*

Update: So my boyfriend reads this and is all like. "alon was your best relationship" then does this sad/really cute face... So i must say...the current bf and the punk are too different to compare at all. The new bf is was less uptight and way less smart. And the punk was way less halarious and was way more mature. ...Its a very different relationship. Like, the punk and I took forever to get a song...because I guess we never really thought about it, but then one day, one just popped up. The new boyfriend, however, stated that David Bowie's Lets Dance, is our song...2 days before the relationship had even started. The punk and me had a song that ...you know, meant something. But Lets Dance??? WTF??... They're both weird boys, just weird in different ways.

|| Kian, 2:50:00 PM